Revelation

I had a revelation this morning.

Okay, maybe not a revelation, probably more like common knowledge that suddenly made sense to me.

But still.

On my way to work this morning, I get a text from my nanny boss telling me I don’t need to come in today.

Sweet.

So I turn around and head back home and decide that instead of praying in the car every morning like I always do, I will sit in my closet and do some much needed Bible study time.

But oftentimes, I get into my little “quiet time” nook and I don’t know where to start.

I always start with prayer, but then I’m not sure where to go. I know I should be reading the Bible and truth be told, I want to read it…but where? Just pick a random verse and hope it applies to your particular situation?

So I began a devotion on my Bible app, and one of the recommended verses was from the book of Matthew. It was a parable called “The Three Bags of Gold / The Three Servants”, depending on what version you’re reading.

To sum it up, the story is about a master with three servants. He entrusts part of his wealth to each of them when he leaves one day. While he’s gone, the first two servants use the gold they’ve been given, work, and earn more bags of gold. The third servant, not knowing what to do, buries his gold in the ground and does nothing with it.

When the master returns, the first two servants show him the work they’ve done, and all the additional gold they’ve earned. The third servant comes back with the one bag of gold he was given, and nothing more. The first two servants (obviously) are praised for their work with the master saying “Well done, good and faithful servant.” The third one is chastised for doing nothing with what he was given.

In Matthew 25:29, the master says “To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away.”

Light bulb.

Use what you already have dummy.

Numerous revelations came from this one light bulb.

No. 1 being: Use what you already have. We each are given unique gifts by the Spirit (Romans 12:6). And when you combine your passions with the gift(s) you’ve been given by the Spirit, you can use that to find your calling and work to serve God and others. But you have to use what you have.

Use the talents, passions, gifts, opportunities, that you have right now. He’s already given us so many incredible blessings. It’s our job to find out what they are, and use them now.

For me, I’m a planner. I want everything laid out in front of me in a nice blueprint, where I can see all the plans and details. But that’s not how God works. He doesn’t let you see the entire plan, He only lets you see the next step. And you must trust Him for the rest. I’ve been so caught up in trying to plan my entire career based on decisions I make now. But that’s the last thing I should be worried about, let alone even attempt to control.

I always think I need more before I can start. A better laptop, more money, a different location, more schooling, a better state of mind, more wisdom, better weather, more time. I’m always wanting more and better before I even begin. But God wants me to start now. Not when I have a MACBook, not when I’m back in North Carolina, not when I’ve been through 7 more years of school, not when I have enough money (whatever that means). NOW. With what I already have, where I already am, with what I already know.


No. 2 revelation being that I’m a lot like the third servant. Because if someone entrusted me with a bag of gold as part of their wealth, I’d more than likely do the same thing and keep it hidden. Because I would rather hide it and know it’s safe, rather than use it and risk losing it, or having something bad come out of it. And sadly, that’s the way I look at a lot of life. I would much rather keep things to myself, hidden away, until they’re prefect (which they never are), until I’m ready to use it or send it out into the world. I would rather NOT use it and keep it safe, for fear of using it and having it turn into something awful, or losing it (whatever it is: a blog, a craft, a piece of writing, an idea).

But God doesn’t work that way either. He can’t work on and multiply what I refuse to even use. And how in the world can I expect Him to show up and do these incredible things with something that I’m not even brave enough to risk? All it does is show 1) my fear, and 2) my lack of trust in God. Because if I truly trusted Him to take over and handle it, I would put everything I have out there for Him to use.

But I don’t.

I never have. I’ve always wished I would, and I still hope that I start to.


No. 3 revelation being that I still have so much more to learn about God and the Bible. There’s so much information and knowledge and wisdom packed into those 66 books and I’m just now scraping the surface. It opened my eyes to the wealth of knowledge that awaits me as I continue to read and learn.

 

So as I finish my Bible study, it’s clear to me what to do now.

For weeks I’ve been praying like a crazy woman, hoping to get some kind of direction or guidance about what to do.

And now, even though the exact path isn’t clear yet, at least I know the next step.

Passion + Gifts + Using Them

God will take care of the rest.

Don’t put your talents and gifts and passions in a bag, buried in the sand.

USE THEM. Even if you’re not sure what you’re doing or how you’re going to make it happen. Because the good news is that God already knows. Use what you have right now, where you are, to honor and glorify Him. He will take it from there. And hopefully, when I get to the pearly gates, God will come to greet me with a “Well done, my good and faithful servant”

 

Onward,

K

 

 

 

 

Professional List Maker

Is there a job out there to be a professional list maker?

As in, get paid to make lists?

Because I could rock that job.

I enjoy it, I’m good at it, and when you’re done you have a huge list of anything you want.

I LOVE making lists.

Maybe I’ll create my own professional list maker job..do bloggers outsource that yet?

 

Onward,

K

The Psychology Battle

I read psychology books for fun.

Seriously

What? Who does that?

I’ve always been interested in all things psychology – how the mind works, why people do what they do, and how two people can see the exact same thing and have completely different opinions on it.

It’s always intrigued me and it’s something I research in my spare time. I considered double majoring in psychology in school, but never did for fear that I wouldn’t have enough time with all the shows I was going to be in…

Or rather the TWO shows I was in over the course of four years…

Thanks a lot ECU.

Fuckers.

Anyway, psychology. The mind and how it works has always interested me and I would have loved to study it more in school. It’s something that’s always come naturally to me and something that I think I could be really good at.

I’m always giving people advice. My friends come to me all the time with their problems and want me to help them try to figure out what they should do. And I enjoy helping them. I tend to think I’m a really good listener and I love helping people figure out what to do when they have major things going on in their lives.

I’ve taken all sorts of personality and career tests in the past 4 days just to see what came of them. And I got a range of answers, but they were generally in the same vicinity: Teacher, coach, architect (what??), psychologist, graphic designer, counselor, therapist, actor.

All having to do with being hands on, creative, and service based.

So I narrowed it down to what I love which is:

  • I love teaching people about themselves or things they don’t know yet
  • I love helping people do anything really
  • I love being creative and hands on with my work

So essentially, I would love to be a designing teacher psychologist. Or something.

But nah.

like those things but I don’t know if I would love them as a career or not.

So I moved on.

Back to blogging, librarian, small online business owner, something to do with books (editor??)

But UGH.

Don’t know that I’m well suited for those either.

So today, I went back to the tests. But this time, they were tests to determine my spiritual gifts. Gifts that I’ve been given by the Holy Spirit to best do God’s work.

And I kept getting the same two answers: faith and exhortation.

 

Faith obviously being that I have a lot of it and like to encourage others in their faith.

But the “exhortation” one was new to me. Besides first thinking that it said “exTORtion” which confused me…because when have I ever tried to beat the crap out of someone for money?

Well, here it is in the Christian sense: “To come along side of someone with words of encouragement, comfort, consolation, and counsel to help them be all God wants them to be”. Coming from the Greek word Paraklesis – calling to one’s side

Which again, leads me back to the world of counseling, therapy, and psychology.

Helping others with words of encouragement, comfort, aid, advice, to help them be all they can be.

It’s weird.

Some part of me has always wanted to pursue psychology/counseling/therapy and help others.

Some part of me thinks it’s just something I find entertaining and don’t need to make a career out of.

Some part of me wants so badly to go back to school for it and study and be immersed in a new field.

Some part (okay, ALL parts) of me, don’t want to go back to school solely because of the tuition and debt that I would have afterwards. Not to mention the 7 years it would take to be fully practicing on my own… (3 for school, one for internship, two years of supervised practice) Wait.

That’s only six years. The website said 7…. pfft. Liars.

WHATEVER IT TAKES A LONG TIME OKAY.

And I’m already 25.

So the debate continues.

To school or not to school?

To have large amounts of debt or to pursue something else and not have large amounts of debt?

To spend the next 5 years studying and practicing under someone else before I can do it on my own or to just become a career nanny?

I know what the easier choice is.

But there’s other things that go into it. You don’t just go back to school.

Number 1, my undergrad is in Theatre. Good luck.

Number 2, my GRE score from high school is over 5 years old so I have to study and retake that first. Ha.

Number 3, apart from tuition, there’s books, food, room and board, transportation. And school shirts because duh. Hmmmm, not so much.

Number 4, I wouldn’t be starting my official career until about 32 years old. Aren’t I supposed to have a family and 2.5 kids by then? I could spend the next 7 years doing building something else other than studying..

Number 5, don’t you have to study statistics or some crap? Coming from the girl who barely made it out of college level algebra with a C..I’m thinkin a big fat NO on that.

 

Or I could just use the degree I already have and go to Atlanta and keep acting…

Why is this so hard?

 

I hope I laugh my ass off when I go back and read this in ten years.

Hey there 35-year-old self, hope your life is everything you want it to be!

Cause right now, ya girl ain’t got no clue.

 

Onward,

K

 

Things I Like

*BRAINSTORMING SESH*

So it’s come to my attention that maybe I should brainstorm the things I like.

Sounds like it would be obvious. And maybe it is.

But since I have essentially NO idea where I need to go from here, let’s start with the basics. What makes me happy? Specifically.

Also I’m in a list making mood so DEAL WITH IT

Things I Like / Things That Make Me Happy:

  • The changing of the seasons from summer to autumn
  • Drinking pumpkin spice lattes
  • Christmas time
  • Watching Christmas movies
  • Spending time doing anything with my family
  • Playing with dogs
  • Being near a pool or in a pool
  • Being near or in a beach in the summer with my family
  • Going to the mountains in NC
  • Snuggling with my boyfriend
  • Talking to God / any time in prayer
  • Smelling the cool, crisp air of fall
  • Thanksgiving Day with family
  • Helping others do things they can’t / don’t know how to do themselves
  • Teaching others about something they didn’t know before
  • Reading a good book
  • Blueberry coffee in the morning
  • Sleeping in on a lazy Saturday
  • Going to the farmer’s market on Sunday and buying fresh fruits and veggies
  • Planning / using my planner / redesigning my wall calendar for a new month
  • Buying school supplies in August
  • Building websites (this blog, branding and web design business)
  • Coming up with ideas and planning out how to execute them
  • Building ideas (probably the same as above but who cares)
  • Apple picking
  • Dancing when I’m just tipsy enough
  • Cozy and soft sweaters
  • Sitting inside during a massive thunderstorm and listening to the rain
  • Shopping for Christmas gifts with my family
  • Baking with my mom in the kitchen
  • Kissing my boyfriend
  • Learning about myself
  • Learning anything new (Italian, hand-lettering, baking new desserts)
  • Mastering that new skill
  • When I stand up for myself
  • A newly cleaned house / apartment
  • Decorating the Christmas tree
  • Watching “Say Yes to the Dress” on TLC
  • Binging “The Office” on Netflix
  • Getting a mani-pedi
  • Talking to my parents on the phone
  • Buying socks with silly designs / patterns on them
  • Setting goals for myself
  • Post-It Notes
  • Amazon’s stupid fast shipping
  • Spending a day on the lake with my family
  • Exploring new places I’ve never been to
  • Sitting in my parent’s hot tub when it’s cold outside
  • Seeing Sophie Sigmon
  • Decorating for fall and Christmas
  • Listening to Christmas music
  • The Easter service at Meck
  • Sleepovers with my sister
  • Chick-Fil-A frozen lemonade
  • My mom’s homemade peach cobbler
  • Being around children
  • Performing / acting / entertaining people
  • Singing
  • Taking a long, hot shower
  • Taking a bath with a LUSH bath bomb
  • Freshly washed hair
  • Getting snuggly under 4 blankets
  • Waking up before sunrise when it’s still quiet
  • Roadtrips to Myrtle Beach for the week
  • Going to The Southern Christmas Show with my mom and sister
  • Putting money into my savings account
  • Overcast days
  • Having a Bible verse really resonate with me
  • Giving advice to my friends
  • Taking the perfect Insta-worthy shot
  • Going to see Suzanne to get my hair done
  • Making summer vacation plans
  • Coming up with names for things (dogs, business, Instagrams, projects, papers)
  • Researching things I don’t know a lot about
  • Using Adobe Illustrator to create things
  • Seeing my phone at 100% battery
  • Inside jokes with my friends
  • Anything grey, white, hot pink, or light powder blue
  • Giant soft pretzels with salt and mustard
  • Fresh lemonade
  • Not having to put on makeup
  • Having someone tell me they love my hair
  • Getting a really good tan
  • Listening to 90’s music
  • Planning my future wedding
  • Scrolling Pinterest for aesthetics
  • Baking new desserts
  • Brilliant acting
  • Disney movies
  • Laughing
  • Surprising someone I love
  • Window shopping with family or friends
  • Taking silly pictures
  • Finding someone who shares the exact same opinion as me
  • Elephants
  • Watching documentaries about royal families  / period pieces
  • Being naked
  • Being able to say what I want to say
  • Deep breaths
  • The feeling when I step off of a plane, happy that I’ve landed safely
  • Juice
  • Cardigans
  • Soft rugs that make you want to rub your face all over it
  • Fireworks on the 4th of July
  • Watching the Panthers play
  • Champagne toasts on New Years
  • Sparkly things
  • Cute umbrellas
  • Rain boots
  • Ribbon
  • Listening to Jack Johnson
  • Giant hugs from the people I love
  • Lighting candles and watching a movie
  • Accomplishing a goal
  • The smell of Christmas trees
  • Family movie nights
  • Watching “The Good Place” on Netflix
  • Watching snow fall
  • Chai lattes from Starbucks
  • Catching up with old friends
  • Beach themes houses
  • Quiet Bible study time in my closet when I have no time limit
  • Making new friends
  • Hearing people talk in British / Aussie / French / Italian / Southern accents
  • Seersucker
  • Oversized sun hats
  • Walking around Birkdale Village in the fall and winter

WOW. That might have been the biggest list I’ve ever compiled.

Gonna have to look back over that one.

But yay!

Now I’m happy!

Hopefully this leads somewhere and I get some answer from it…

But if nothing else, I was happy while writing it.

And maybe that’s enough for now.

Onward,

K

Something Exciting

I think it’s high time that I spend some time talking about something that excites me and that I’m looking forward to:

FALL.

Yes, lovely, lovely, fall.

Here’s a list to make me happy of all the things I love about fall:

  • crunchy leaves
  • big sweaters
  • pumpkins everywhere
  • pumpkin carving
  • toasting pumpkin seeds
  • pumpkin spice lattes
  • halloween movies
  • black cats
  • the cool, crisp breeze
  • opening the windows in the house
  • the smell of the weather changing
  • bonfires
  • apples
  • bright orange and red maple leaves
  • beanies
  • thick socks
  • good books
  • family
  • fall pictures
  • cinnamon pine cones from Michael’s
  • decorating the house with red and orange
  • fall festivals
  • football games
  • taking fall walks
  • baking autumn cookies
  • spice cake
  • Bath and Body Works fall scents
  • scarves
  • bean boots
  • chili
  • flannel
  • halloween costumes
  • jeans
  • dark manicures
  • hot cocoa
  • drives through the mountains
  • snuggling
  • making apple pies
  • candy corn
  • caramel apples
  • cardigans
  • thunderstorms
  • farmers market
  • sunflowers
  • hayrides
  • bicycle rides
  • camping and hiking
  • planting mums

Just writing that list and thinking about all the wonderful things of fall makes me happy.

I know it’s only September 5. But I can’t wait until September 22 when it’s officially the first day of fall and EVERYONE CAN SHUT UP.

Bring it on autumn.

“Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

Onward,

K

Waiting

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve decided to wait.

Well actually, doing Bible study this morning, it became very clear to me that the message was to wait.

You know like, from God.

And I agree.

There’s nothing to do at this particular moment except try to enjoy the rest of my Labor Day weekend.

So I will do my best to relax, not stress, and wait.

Ugh. The thing I’m worst at.

I think God knows exactly what makes us tick. He knows what gets under our skin and what we need more of. He knows what we need less of and what we don’t need at all. And for me, He know that I’m impatient. He knows that I want everything all at once, right now, color coded and presented in a bright pink binder with little tabs and post-it notes.

But that’s not how He works.

And it’s His job to cultivate me into the best version of me I can be. And for that to happen, I have to go through times that are trying. Times that force me to rely on Him and not myself.

This is one of those times.

And boy does it drive me crazy.

But ultimately, I know it’s all for a purpose down the road. I trust that it’s all preparing me for a future only He can see. My only job right now is to trust, and wait.

So that’s what I shall do.

That sounded very British and uptight but I like the word “shall”.

So I SHALL wait.

And we SHALL see what comes of it.

He’s got something in the works though…I can feel it.

 

Onward,

K

 

Blogging – Round 2

This will be the third blog post I’ve written today.

And I have to say, I love it.

I love the heck out of it.

But what I love most was writing what I felt like writing. Not focusing on whether it was perfect or accurate or going to be widely accepted and popular. What I loved was writing from my heart instead of analyzing every word.

Maybe I should begin a blog about that, just writing from the heart.

Oh wait. That’s what I’m doing right now. Life’s a funny thing isn’t it?

But REALLY. This is a meh blog. A poop blog. A personal blog that I hope to high heaven no one ever reads except for me.

But I think I could actually be really good at blogging. Granted, I would have to suck it up and learn how to take some bomb ass blogger pictures (or just pay my sister to do it 🙂 but I think the writing part would be easy.

The only question(s) is/are…what to write about?

I’ve tried this once before, based on self-care, organization, and positivity (what?). And CLEARLY that was not a strong area of expertise for me. It would have to be something that I actually enjoy writing about and that could inspire others…

IDEA TIME!

  • My faith / God / spirituality
  • Introversion
  • Anxiety
  • Performance? Videos
  • Millennial women
  • Wait, I’ve had all these ideas before…

 

Hmmmm.

Well for starters, I would DEFINITELY use Squarespace. Because fuck WordPress. No offense to you, WordPress. But you suck and I hate you.

Maybe I could vlog!

I’m shitty as socks when it comes to taking pictures. I’m not good at it and honestly all it does is stress me out because I can’t get it to look right. So instead maybe do some acting + verbal writing = VLOG

Does that mean I have to learn how to use Youtube? Ugh. Gross.

I would enjoy something with video and performance I think though. I still love performing and find that (other than writing) my best form of communication is through speaking and filming. I think pictures are great and all, but they only capture a single moment. Film captures entire movements, actions, words, expressions. And you can watch it over and over again. And I think I might just be weird enough to make it work…

But what to talk about? Faith, obviously. I would love to inspire other millennial women with faith. A sort of Cara Ku’ulei + Sadie Robertson thing goin’.

It would bring me closer to God I think as well. That was terrible grammar, wow.

Only way to know is to try, am I right? I feel like I’ve tried a bazillion things at this point and all of them have failed.

Perhaps I just haven’t found my niche yet.

MORE BLOG IDEAS!

  • Faith based blog about…. ?
  • Vlogging? Learning how to edit and put together videos
  • Daily Devos? Am I that qualified? Probably not.
  • Ugh.

My mind is done for the day.

Onward,

K

Ideas

“I’m having a thought here, Barbossa”

HA. Definitely a line from one of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies that my sister and I quote all the time. But essentially…I’m having a thought. Or ten.

Trying to brainstorm what I might be able to do with my life and I’m thinking that if I write it out physically (or digitally) that it might help me decide some things.

So let’s begin.

1. What am I naturally good at already?

  • Listening
  • Empathizing
  • Nannying
  • Acting
  • Teaching
  • Planning / organizing
  • Writing (kind of)
  • Giving advice
  • Connecting with others
  • Being lazy. HA!

 

2. What would I like to be good at?

  • Blogging
  • Inspiring other women
  • Writing
  • Singing
  • Speaking Italian + French
  • Eating healthy

 

3. What do I do that brings me energy and fulfillment?

  • Watching incredible films / acting
  • Prayer / spending time with God
  • Singing
  • Acting
  • Planning / organizing
  • Teaching / helping / inspiring others
  • Mastering a new skill
  • Spending time with my family and friends
  • Completing something
  • Reading
  • Writing
  • Laughing
  • Chai or Pumpkin Spice Lattes
  • Christmas (no really)

 

4. What would I do every day if I knew I wouldn’t be paid?

  • Sleep in a bit, make coffee, do some Bible study
  • Spend time with my family, friends, boyfriend
  • Watch new films
  • Go to the beach
  • Scroll through Pinterest
  • Learn new skills / hobbies
  • Give advice to my friends
  • Read
  • Plan / organize
  • Learn about psychology
  • Create (calligraphy, sing, draw, craft)
  • Travel

 

Okay so looking back over these questions it seems that…

  1. I had a lot of the same answers for what I’m good at + brings me joy, and what I would do every day without being paid.
  2. Solely from looking at these answers, I should aim for something that involves my faith, planning / organization, reading / writing, film, teaching / connecting with others.
  3. My values seem to be my spirituality, my family, serving / helping / inspiring others, connection / relationships, and chai lattes.
  4. Maybe I should create a job that encompasses all of these things??

 

POSSIBLE NEW JOB IDEAS:

  • Director / Filmmaker
  • Elementary school teacher
  • Counselor / Therapist / Psychologist
  • Event planner
  • Life coach
  • Youth leader at church
  • Missionary
  • Blogger
  • Something to do with reading books…
  • Nanny
  • Actress (we already tried that K)
  • A film director that blogs about books and God
  • A life coach that nannies and plans for the family
  • An event planner blogger that reads about psychology
  • Pfft, I’m over this now

 

Round 1 goes to you, Universe.

I will try again tomorrow.

Onward,

K

 

Figuring It Out

Here I am. 25 years old, sitting alone at my friends parents’ house for Labor Day weekend, having a breakdown because I virtually have no money, no career, and no direction.

So this is me. Figuring it out.

I heard some advice that anyone who doesn’t know where to start, or what to do with their life should start a blog. I had Tea with Taylor already started, (one failure), and decided that since I still had ownership of the domain for another two and a half years, I might as well use it right?

I’m going to write at a minimum, two posts a week. Hopefully more. The purpose of this is simply to track what I’m doing and going through. I have no intention of anyone ever reading this (and hopefully they don’t), it is purely to see what I gravitate towards. What do I end up writing about the most? What do I enjoy writing about? What excites me? What makes me feel alive? These are the questions I’m asking myself in the middle of this quarter life crisis, and hoping to answer.

The reason I feel I have failed thus far is this:

I went to college for theatre (womp). I enjoyed it; the acting, the friends, the late night costume parties because theatre people are a bunch of weirdos. And I genuinely thought I had something good going. I had a plan to graduate and move to Chicago and pursue what I’ve wanted to do since sixth grade: act.

Lo and behold I get to Chicago, and I hated it. But I did happen to snag a lovely (unpaid) internship at PR, which I enjoyed from November 2016-March 2017. After spending all of the $10,000 I had saved the prior year, I finally found a job bartending at Caffe Oliva. I made incredible friends and had a wonderful summer, but never really acted…like, at all. I went on a few auditions but let’s be honest, I wasn’t trying. Many people told me that my “type” (young, attractive, female) needed to be in LA, especially for pursuing film.

So I called Adam Griffin. We made a plan.

In October 2017, I drove home from Chicago. I spent the holidays at home with my family and at the end of November, packed up my car with my sisters, and drove across the country to LA.

LA is interesting to say the least. No humidity (love), materialistic people (don’t love), and plenty of fresh and organic, non-GMO, hemp, soy based food (still deciding whether I love). The weather is gorgeous, the traffic is abhorrent, and the acting is hard. Damn hard.

But again let’s be real, I never gave it a chance. I had headshots back from October 2015, and never planned on spending the money to get new ones. I didn’t have the energy or desire to find a manager, an agent, or to even go out and network. I didn’t want it. Whether it was the fact that I missed my family and home in NC so much it kept me up at night, or the fact that I knew I would be up against so many other girls identical to me, I don’t know. Maybe a combination of both. But I do know I wasn’t happy.

I’ve always wanted to be famous (Lord only knows why). And I knew acting would be a good way to get there (assuming you’re the less than one percent that make it). But it turns out, I didn’t love it as much as I thought I did. I didn’t want to go through all the drama and networking and fake people and auditions and memorizing and having my self worth determined by 8 people in a tiny room that have known me for all of 3 minutes. And I especially didn’t want to get new headshots. Damn things are expensive as hell.

So I attempted to start a blog. I would call it “Tea with Taylor” because honestly my middle name is much easier and much more usable as an alliteration (no Kangaroos with Kirsten??). And it flopped. Big time.

I bought the domain, I learned (the basics of) WordPress, I wrote three (terrible) blog posts, and sent it off into the world. I created a Facebook page, a Pinterest, a Twitter, and an Instagram. I told my family and boyfriend. I built the site (and had stupid fun doing it) and launched it on March 1, 2017. And then…

Nothing.

I did nothing.

I didn’t write any more posts, I didn’t take any more picture to put up, I didn’t have any more motivation to write anything else. All I had planned for (and honestly had the desire for) was to get it built and launched.

So I left it sitting from March 1 up until this moment, 1:46pm on September 2, 2017.

Okay so maybe blogging wasn’t my thing. Maybe I really only wanted to do it because I had heard of so many women making 6 figures off of their blogs. Maybe I didn’t really have a vision or plan for it, I just wanted something else creative to do. Who knows.

But I do know that it wasn’t for me. So I gave it up.

Then I started a travel Instagram (if you can even call it that) called Salt and She. I was inspired by the two women I came across on Facebook, Cassie and Shay, that had started The Bucketlist Bombshells as a way to help millenial women start and run their own online businesses so they could travel the world.

My Instagram started as a way to document my travels around LA initially, then to expand to all the incredible places I would travel to once I started my online business doing…something. And it flopped.

Actually, that’s a lie. It went really well. I managed to gain over 1,000 followers in just 2-3 weeks with pictures I took of myself in a family friend’s backyard pool. I met a lot of cool girls and followed some incredible travel journeys. But after realizing 1) how much work and planning it actually takes to run a consistent and successful instagram, 2) not having the money to travel on a starving “artist”‘s budget, and 3) just in general losing the desire to continue to keep up a honestly fake account, I stopped trying. I stopped taking pictures, I didn’t post anymore, I stopped commenting on other posts. It wasn’t my thing.

So then I tried (kind of) to start my online business like Cassie and Shay. I won the Tech Course through an instagram challange, and from there decided that I would start my own VA business. Which quickly turned into a branding and web design business once I learned more.

And again, (with Squarespace this time) bought the domain, built the site (had way too much fun again) and wrote all the needed content for my pages on the site (about, services, etc).

And now it’s just sitting there.

And I don’t really have a desire to do any more with it. I would (kind of, maybe, sort of) like to continue with it. I would like to learn everything there is to know about building successful Squarespace sites, how to cold email clients, building a client workflow, and finish the information and documents needed to actually run the business. But meh. The desire isn’t burning within me, if you know what I mean.

All the while these things have been going on, I made the decision that I no longer wanted to pursue acting as a career. I decided I would go back home to NC with my family for the holidays, and figure out what my next move was.

So here I am. September 2, two months before I go home, and I’m having a second wave of this quarter life crisis.

I feel like a failure, in all honesty.

Chicago failed.

LA failed.

Acting failed.

Blogging failed.

Instagram failed.

My “business” failed before it even started.

And I don’t know what to do.

By leaving LA and the acting world, I feel like I’m leaving something that’s been a part of my life since I can remember. All the way back to making my own movies with my best friends that lived down the street. Acting has always been something I’ve loved and can honestly say I’m pretty talented at. I just don’t want to pursue it as a career and do all the work to make it a career.

And now I’m stuck. All of my friends are my same age and either engaged or already married, having kids or about to, have stable corporate 9-5 jobs, have their own insurance and cars and houses, and have life figured out.

And here I am. 25, with less than$1,000 to my name. Floundering. Questioning. Searching. Lost. Unable to make the next step for fear it will take me deeper into the pit I’ve already dug for myself.

So I’m writing.

Hopefully this will bring me some kind of peace or wisdom in the years to come. Hopefully I’ll look back and read this and laugh at how everything worked out exactly the way it was supposed to.

Onward.

K